I don't really know where I got this idea, but it sure seems to work for me. The rabbit hole is, of course, from Alice In Wonderland, where everything is not as it appears. This is the crazy world of BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Just defining BPD is like entering into a totally confusing realm of contradictions and paradoxes. Sometimes yes is yes, but sometimes it is no and other times it is "help me", yet other times it is masked behind fear and anxiety.
Personally, I have none of the symptoms of this disorder, but I have learned to recognize them well. I have lived with one or more family members who suffers from this disorder for many years.
It has taught me much more than I ever wanted to know. I don't like psychology, I don't like studying human behavior. I like music, art, nature, inventing things, language, travel, making things with my hands, beauty, dance, and making things more efficient. I like things like solar power, wood stoves, acoustic guitars, hiking in Vermont and playing music with friends. I like single malt Scotch and good ales.
The chaos and dysfunction of BPD is as alien to me as a suit and tie. I just don't like it. Yet I am subjected to it every single day of my life.
I know God has taught me many, many lessons I never would have learned otherwise, but I want to graduate from this class now. In many ways it is like having a child with Down Syndrome, you are always on call and can never quite rest; at least that is what I imagine.
It takes a lot of persistence and humility to keep from becoming affected by the family member who is suffering. My rambunctiousness has been tamed, involuntarily. I have been humiliated so many times by the things they have said and done that I don't even try to remember anymore.
I think my faith in God and my music and friends have preserved me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Weirdness and False Accusations
One very strange thing B does is to try and provoke me to get angry with him. Normally I'm a very patient and tolerant person, but, like all human beings, I have my limits and hot buttons.
One night I was trying to watch a movie with my 13 year old son. B kept interrupting and even turned off the TV several times. I told him to stop in a nice way, then a less nice way and so on. Eventually he was in his room making so many goony noises that I got up to tell him to stop. When I got to the door he threw himself down and cried out: "Stop hitting me, stop hitting me!" He did this several times and I just backed away in disbelief.
Now I see him doing similar things, as if he were trying to build a case against me. I think what he really is doing is redirecting the blame or accountability for his failing life on me. In fact, I know that is what he is doing because I hear it all the time. This false abuse accusation stuff is just the material to support his claim.
This is truly a no-win situation for me. I cannot discipline him because he becomes so physical that I react and there it is: Dad's abuse! I cannot ignore his behavior because it is intolerable and he needs help.
I will be very lucky to get out of this one unscathed. My hope is to have him on his own when the weather is warmer and he is 18.
One night I was trying to watch a movie with my 13 year old son. B kept interrupting and even turned off the TV several times. I told him to stop in a nice way, then a less nice way and so on. Eventually he was in his room making so many goony noises that I got up to tell him to stop. When I got to the door he threw himself down and cried out: "Stop hitting me, stop hitting me!" He did this several times and I just backed away in disbelief.
Now I see him doing similar things, as if he were trying to build a case against me. I think what he really is doing is redirecting the blame or accountability for his failing life on me. In fact, I know that is what he is doing because I hear it all the time. This false abuse accusation stuff is just the material to support his claim.
This is truly a no-win situation for me. I cannot discipline him because he becomes so physical that I react and there it is: Dad's abuse! I cannot ignore his behavior because it is intolerable and he needs help.
I will be very lucky to get out of this one unscathed. My hope is to have him on his own when the weather is warmer and he is 18.
Here Is A Typical Day, Yesterday, In Fact
Without digressing to explain what I do plan on explain about the past, this is what happened yesterday with my 17 year old son, B. He is exhibiting nearly identical behavior to that of his mother when she was at her worst. That was about 6 years ago.
Before I left our house for work, our new housemate informed me that he was moving out. He said he couldn't take B any more. You see, the housemate has only lived here one week, and already witnessed the daily dysfunction that B seems determined to produce.
Then, when I got to work, my boss asked me if I had kicked my son's ass yet! This was because the day before, B called my workplace 12 times within 20 minutes to ask me if he could have the password on my computer. I told him no, because he has smoked pot and cigarettes in the house, again.
Later in the day, B called me and had his nice voice installed. He told me all the good things he was going to start doing, how the vice-principal at school had told him he was going to be expelled if he had 5 more cuts. They have done virtual back flips to help him, so far nothing has changed.
In his best optimistic voice he asked me for the password. Seems he had some homework to do research on. We only have one computer. So, I told him and informed him that I expected some results, not just talk.
When I got home from my waltz class at 8:15 I was shocked and dismayed, again. The house reeked of pot and cigarettes. There was food all over the counter, food left out, and his clothes laying around.
I didn't have the heart to bother getting him to take care of it because I didn't want to make it more miserable for the housemate. So, I cleaned it up. Then I found a glass near the TV with 2 roaches and some spit in the bottom; gross!
Later on I tried to do some work on my websites, but he came downstairs in his underwear and began to act really goony, talking like a stupid Chinaman, doing his best to distract me. Why?
I finally gave up and decided to watch TV, which I don't really like to do. He made such a fuss about the volume that I finally just went to bed. It just was not worth fighting over.
How's that for a day of crazy making?
Before I left our house for work, our new housemate informed me that he was moving out. He said he couldn't take B any more. You see, the housemate has only lived here one week, and already witnessed the daily dysfunction that B seems determined to produce.
Then, when I got to work, my boss asked me if I had kicked my son's ass yet! This was because the day before, B called my workplace 12 times within 20 minutes to ask me if he could have the password on my computer. I told him no, because he has smoked pot and cigarettes in the house, again.
Later in the day, B called me and had his nice voice installed. He told me all the good things he was going to start doing, how the vice-principal at school had told him he was going to be expelled if he had 5 more cuts. They have done virtual back flips to help him, so far nothing has changed.
In his best optimistic voice he asked me for the password. Seems he had some homework to do research on. We only have one computer. So, I told him and informed him that I expected some results, not just talk.
When I got home from my waltz class at 8:15 I was shocked and dismayed, again. The house reeked of pot and cigarettes. There was food all over the counter, food left out, and his clothes laying around.
I didn't have the heart to bother getting him to take care of it because I didn't want to make it more miserable for the housemate. So, I cleaned it up. Then I found a glass near the TV with 2 roaches and some spit in the bottom; gross!
Later on I tried to do some work on my websites, but he came downstairs in his underwear and began to act really goony, talking like a stupid Chinaman, doing his best to distract me. Why?
I finally gave up and decided to watch TV, which I don't really like to do. He made such a fuss about the volume that I finally just went to bed. It just was not worth fighting over.
How's that for a day of crazy making?
The Chronicles Of Living With Difficult People
Have you ever found yourself a captive, more or less, in you own home? Unreasonable children, a spouse who seems dedicated to destroying you, or other people close to you that you just cannot escape from?
I have lived like this for the past 10 years, give or take.
Never in my wildest dreams did I envision this happening, but it is my daily reality. For the most part, I am able to live without too much damage, but this certainly comes with a cost.
It has been many years since I enjoyed coming home from work. I am despised, hated, riduculed, mocked, used, neglected, taken totally for granted, and then expected to do more and give more. Totally unfair.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? No, in fact, I rarely even complain or tell anyone about it. I used to be ashamed of their behavior, and still am, but the humiliation is long past. I try to chin up, stay focused, remain in a loving attitude, discover aspects of my own life that need improving, but the cumulative effect is taking it's toll on my psyche.
So, this blog is my place to tell it exactly like it is. If nobody ever reads this, fine. It is good for me to write it down. Only I am 10 years too late.
I have lived like this for the past 10 years, give or take.
Never in my wildest dreams did I envision this happening, but it is my daily reality. For the most part, I am able to live without too much damage, but this certainly comes with a cost.
It has been many years since I enjoyed coming home from work. I am despised, hated, riduculed, mocked, used, neglected, taken totally for granted, and then expected to do more and give more. Totally unfair.
Am I feeling sorry for myself? No, in fact, I rarely even complain or tell anyone about it. I used to be ashamed of their behavior, and still am, but the humiliation is long past. I try to chin up, stay focused, remain in a loving attitude, discover aspects of my own life that need improving, but the cumulative effect is taking it's toll on my psyche.
So, this blog is my place to tell it exactly like it is. If nobody ever reads this, fine. It is good for me to write it down. Only I am 10 years too late.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
